I Think God is a Writer

It's 1:30AM, and I can't sleep. It's 1:30AM on a summer Friday night. It's 1:30AM on the night after God began revealing something new to me, and today, it's still keeping me up.

I'm sure there will be more posts about this at some point, when I start figuring it all out and God teaches me more. But for now, it's 1:30AM and I'm up writing this blog post, because I can't sleep, and because I am a writer. Because I think God is a writer, too.

This all started yesterday. I woke up to do some devos and lately, they have been kind of dry, so I've been really desperate for something new from God. And He gave me something new. Something I'm still trying to unpack and fully understand - but something very new, and very exciting. And then I went on a run and ended up stopping at the Stone Arch Bridge because I saw flowers as a memorial for what I'm assuming is a suicide victim. And I stood on that bridge for a very long time, my heart completely broken for the broken. And I had a one-on-one earlier this week and was able to talk about my dreams and the passions God has given me for the broken, and I spent a few hours looking at plane tickets to Seattle. And I spent time with a man who I can see being in my future. And I don't know, I've just been processing a lot lately, and here I am writing all of it - because I am a writer. Because I think God is a writer, too.

If I could, I would write it in a way that makes more sense, but for now, I can't really find the right words. So instead, I'll leave you with a journal entry from the day God started showing me this:

I think you're a writer God. Because you invest so much time into me and love me in this unique way. You're quirky and you write billions of stories. You pay attention to details and paint sunsets only a writer could. You make things for your eyes only and delight in those hidden things. You show off, too. You display your characters for all to see and you take pride in those creations. Your heart breaks when theirs does, too.

You stay up all night, don't you? Tirelessly working on a story. And yet, you're so much more than a writer, as I can understand it. Because you let your stories go. You let them have the choice to take the pen. Even when it's better for them to let you write, they still take it. And yet, you're still there to take it back when they've realized they've failed. When they come to you broken, you gladly and forgivingly take that pen back. You write in things that fix them. You heal them.

You love words, don't you? God, I think you're a writer. I, too, Lord, am a writer. And, as a writer, it's hard for me to let someone else write my story. It's hard to let you have the pen because I forget. I forget that you know how the story ends. I forget that I'm only a character. I forget, and my pride gets in the way, and I try to be the writer. I think that, if I have control, I can write my story better than you ever could. How silly of me to believe that - to think that a character could take the writer's place. I'm sorry. 

The journal entry went on a lot more about control and how I so often feel the need to have it over God, which is just stupid of me. But I so often try to write my own story and forget that God is the most perfect writer out there.

There will be more posts about this when it makes more sense to me, but for now, this is all I have. Because I am a writer, but I am not the perfect writer - God is. And there are some words I may never know how to say.

Or perhaps God just hasn't given me them yet.

The Love of Christ

It has been quite a while since I last posted on this blog. To be honest, it's because I didn't have much to say. Last semester was really rough for me, especially in the spiritual aspect of things. I was very stagnant in my relationship with God and didn't really make a whole lot of progress. I kind of went through the motions and did the minimum. I'm disappointed in myself looking back on what I could have done/been last semester, but I am walking forward and choosing to make new and better choices, especially concerning my walk with Christ.

This semester has started off with a great start. I have been much more faithful in spending time with God daily and have been so blessed by Him. I have been loving my floor and the girls God has placed in my life as well as my incredible boyfriend who continues to love me and help me draw nearer to the plan God has for my life. I recently (today, actually) got a job and am enjoying my classes thus far.

Something that God has really been laying on my heart lately is His love for me. I know, I know. It's cliche and girly. But it is real and it is something God has really been working in me. I have had a few amazing realizations about His love such as: if we fully knew and understood Christ's love for us, we would not still be living the way we did before we knew that love, and that His love is two-fold: it causes us to dwell and be in awe, but it also causes us to look beyond ourselves and share it with others. And tonight at Praise Gathering, God just spoke to me about His love for the entire two hours. It was so amazing. I can't really put it into words, but I thought I would share my journal entry from tonight with you guys so hopefully you can grasp the love that I was feeling from Him.

Your Spirit is so thick in this room. Your presence is so great and sweet I don't even know what to say or write. I don't know how to describe your love. It is something that even I can fail to say. It can not be put into a box comprised of ink and paper. It is free-flowing and unending. It is so incomprehensible to a mind so small as mine. Even a mind you created to make words form sentences can not even begin to capture the love you have for me. I am at a loss for words, grasping at strings, trying to find verbs, and racking my brain - the brain you created for such a purpose as finding words - can find but none other than "I love you, my child. I love you. I love you."

You love me with a love that is deep and passionate, a love that is holy and mighty and strong. A love that is not merely a good feeling but a love that overcomes all feelings of incompetency. A love that, in making me understand that I am, in fact, imperfect in describing the sheer vastness of Your glory, makes me understand that I am made whole and beautiful in Your arms. Because I am a girl searching, grasping, desperate for the love of a perfect Father that does not do me wrong. Here I stand broken, unsure, and unholy. Here I stand trying to find all the right words and fining nothing but despair and doubt. Here am I, a girl in awe of the love You have for her that you so freely give.

You love me with a love that is restorative and redemptive. A love that disciplines, corrects, and motivates. A love that does not let me stay at the place I am at. You love me with a perfect love, the dance of a father and his princess. The love of a man for his bride, of a mother for her child, of a good and perfect king for his people. You love me with a love that is unchanging regardless of my continual failure. You love me with a love that you acted upon and died for. You love me in my imperfections, in my sin, in my lust, in my greed, in my depression, in my unhealthy strive for perfectionism.

For You could have created anything and You created me. You could dwell anywhere and You chose to dwell in me - in my heart. In the heart of a daughter romanced by her King. You created me on purpose for a purpose and believing anything else would be devaluing to the life You gave because of this love. You love me with a love that leaves me craving more of You every moment of every day for Your love does not fail or leave me.

How foolish of me to believe I could ever run from you. How silly for me to think I could ever comprehend You or the love You have for me. Nothing stands in comparison to even an ounce of Your presence. Nothing tastes as sweet as this love. I will love You for the rest of my days.

Teach me to love You and others with a love even half as selfless and sweet as the love You have poured out upon me here tonight. Teach me to be as desperate for reaching the lost as You are for reaching Your people. Teach me to dwell in Your presence and love and not reject or run away from such a perfect example of grace and mercy. Teach me to embrace Your love and to allow it to change me from the inside out - to a girl passionate for Your people. Teach me to allow Your love to mold me. Show me how once Your love touches me I can not claim ignorance or walk away unchanged for Your love is a love that drastically and dramatically changes everything it touches.

I stand in total awe of You. How could I, a girl broken and bruised, impure and forsaken, be worth a love so thick and real? And still You love me, in all of my failures and doubts. You chose to love me with all of my dirt. How am I worthy? How do I learn to accept such a love? 

For Your love is perfect and it does not go away. Your love brings freedom. Your love brings revival. Your love brings the dead to life. Your love changes everything. Your love forgives and redeems, it keeps no record of wrongs.

The same love that gave sight to the blind and rose the dead to life lives in me. That same love is now upon me - something which I can not fathom or understand. Your love is unfailing and unending. It brings the dead in me to life and to a point of pure surrender of all wants and desires, for how could I, after experiencing this love, ever want anything more?

I give you all of me tonight, Lord. Take every part of me. I love you, too. 

God's love is so amazing, guys.
Blessings,
Elyse

Rocky Beginnings

Wow, it has been a very long time since I have even thought about this blog, and oh my, a lot has changed since the last time I posted. I finished my first year at NCU, had one of the worst summers ever, and finally came back home. I'm now about a month or so into my sophomore year of college and have a lot of things to share with you guys. I'm a DL (discipleship leader) on my floor and loving every second of being able to pour into girls' lives, I've got a new boyfriend who is honestly the most amazing man I have ever met (besides my daddy, of course), and I'm just kind of living life as it goes. I'm insanely busy (I should probably be doing homework right now, actually) and learning how to manage school, being a DL, spending time with my boyfriend, Jesus, and friends off of the floor has been quite a difficult thing to do and is something I'm still learning. Keeping God first in the midst of all of this busy-ness is difficult sometimes and has been a struggle for me, but I'm learning.

When I came back here, I was so excited for this year. I had been counting down the days since I left last year (I'm serious - I had a count down app on my iPod). I could not wait to finally get back home and see all of my friends again and get back into the swing of things. Things here last year were amazing. I loved every second of being at this school. The beauty of the city left me breathless every night. I had the most incredible friends in the world and was just living it up so big. It was all new and exciting and I was finally independent. I remember just sitting in the car on the way to Applebee's (since we literally went there about twice a week) and thinking to myself "This is it. This is the best moment of my life." And I would think that multiple times a week. The people crammed into Austin's tiny car with me had become my second family and I could not imagine life without them.

Going back to the mitten state for summer was one of the hardest things for me to do. I hated this summer. Absolutely hated it. The only good things that came out of this summer were finally dating Zeke and finally getting out of Bedford when my family moved to Ann Arbor. Sure, getting to spend time with my family was great, but my heart ached to be in this city again.

So, I came back here expecting things to be just like last year. I came back expecting to run and scream and hug everyone and just jump back into the swing of things - going to Applebee's or having a dance party every night. I expected to be care-free and left breathless by this city. So far this year, life has been anything but care-free. It has been busy. It has been rough. I has been difficult. It has been trying and stretching and depressing. It has had good moments, yes, but over all, this year has been really hard on me.

I think that one of the main reasons this year is so hard is because I keep comparing it to last year and it's hard for me to accept that last year is over and that this year is not going to be exactly like last year. People that were a huge part of last year aren't here anymore and it's time to move on and make new friends. It's time to let go of what happened last year and make new memories. It's just hard. Because I'm busy now, because I have responsibilities now, because I don't have time to just have fun every moment of my life. I have to grow up and I have to do grown-up things, and sometimes doing grown-up things means letting God lead you through some rough stuff. About a week or so into being here this year, my boyfriend and I decided to take a break for a week and learn how to get God in the center of our relationship again. That was rough. God's shown me that I'm not going to know the future this year because He's going to teach me to trust Him more. That's rough. I'm busy. That's rough.

It has been a rocky start. There have been moments, days, weeks - where I've just wanted to go back to the mitten state. I've wanted to throw in the towel and take a year off. I've wanted to go back to Ann Arbor and spend time with my awesome family and not have to worry about what meeting I have to be at or what paper I have to write. I've wanted to give up. But I know, deep in my heart, that God has planned for me to do this. He has prepared it for me and set me in this year for a reason. I'm not here by mistake. I know I'm supposed to be here and I know that eventually, this year will be even better than last year. It just takes some time. I have to keep reminding myself of these things. I have to remind myself that I am a DL on the best floor ever and that God has placed these girls in my life for a reason. I have to remind myself that these girls are amazing and fun to be around and I always have a blast whenever I get to spend time with them. I have to remind myself that God has blessed me with a pretty stinking awesome boyfriend. I have to remind myself that my best friend is the hugest blessing in my life. I have to remind myself that God's got me and that even though things may be rough right now, they won't always be. I will get into the swing of things. I will learn how to manage my time. I will learn how to be a leader on this floor and to glorify God in everything I do.

I will be okay, and this year will be amazing. New memories will be made. Last year was great and that's awesome, but last year is over. It's time to live for this year, and this year will rock.

Looking Back: What I Would Have Said

Today, I got a Facebook message from my friend Amanda (side note: check out her blog, it's great!). Anyway, the message was asking if we could tell our junior-high self one thing, what would it be? And that got me thinking. What would I say to my junior high self? What would I say to my high school self? What would I say to the girl that walked into this school nine months ago? What would I say, if I could?

It may be silly to think this way, but I know I would have a lot to say. I would tell my junior-high self to keep my eyes on Jesus, always. To never walk away. To  chose my friends very wisely. I know, now, that my junior-high self would have never listened, as rebellious as I was. I would have done the opposite, but I now wish someone had told me these things. I wish someone had told me that life isn't perfect and the world I was finding out about is a scary place, but that doesn't mean you have to hide away from it, burrowing deeper into yourself, not allowing anyone to even come close to cracking your shell. I wish someone had told me that the friends I chose then were going to impact me in ways I never wanted to be impacted. I wish someone had told me to never, ever pick up that razor blade for the first time. I wish someone had told me I was worth more than every scar, every lie Satan had thrown at me. I wish someone had told me, and I wish, with everything in me, that I had it in me then to listen.

I would tell my high-school self that those four years suck. They suck, but they are filled with memories that will last a lifetime. I would have told myself to hold onto the few good moments and cherish them because they won't last long. I would have told myself to work less and spend more time with my best friend, because moving 700some miles away makes your best friend a stranger. I would have told myself that those friendships weren't going to last forever, they simply weren't, but that they were friendships I should have been more grateful for. I would tell myself that my worth is not found in relationships with boys. And, now, too, I wish someone had told me these things. I wish someone would have told me that high school relationships are the most pointless things on the face of the Earth and that boys lie and it sucks, but that there are actually good ones out there, so don't lose hope. I wish someone would have told me that a broken heart is not the end of the world, that there are much worse things that could happen to you, and that sometimes you just have to suck it up, delete his number, and move the heck on. I wish someone would have told me that girl talk is a deadly thing, that you need to spend more time praying about something than you do talking about it, and that gossip destroys friendships. I wish someone would have told me that the mistakes I made didn't define me. I wish someone would have told me that high school is pointless - that you don't need to work your butt off and freak out about every grade, because North Central really doesn't care anyway.

I would tell my nine-month-ago self that it gets better. That the first month of college is the hardest month of your life, that you will spend hours crying and praying that God will bring you through this. But I would tell myself that God will, in fact, bring you through this. I would tell myself to spend as much time as possible with Phoenicia, because she is going to become the most incredible best friend you will ever have. I would tell myself to loosen up a bit, that it's okay to be silly and be yourself around people. I would tell myself to cherish every moment, every memory, every trip to Applebee's, every walk to the Stone Arch, ever all-nighter, every baseball game, every ounce of laughter, every friendship, every late-night talk about God, every chapel service, every second in the prayer room, every Just Dance game, every movie, every single moment. I would tell myself to hold onto them with all that I've got because those moments have been all put together to make up the best fricken year of my life. I would tell myself that in nine months, I would be crying and begging God to make the time pass as slowly as possible because I love this place so much. And I wish someone had told me this. I wish someone had told me that the time flies way too quickly and that the friendships I made this year are going to be the people I'll know and cherish for the rest of my life, so I better take my time getting to know them. I wish someone had told me that the last week hits you like a brick, that it's the hardest thing in the world to realize that your best year of your life is almost over. I wish someone had told me to slow down and to cherish all of this.

I wish I could tell myself. I wish someone had told me. And perhaps someone did. Perhaps someone told me in junior high to chose my friends wisely, or in high school to focus more on God than relationships. I'm sure that somewhere along the way someone had told me these things. But I didn't listen. It went in one ear and out the other. I didn't pay attention to their words of wisdom and that's a shame, but it's something I can stop doing now. I can stop going back and wishing I had told myself these things or that someone had told me these things, and I can realize that right now, this moment, I will look back on it someday. And I don't want that day to be filled with "I wish I had listened"s. I want to take advantage of  the wisdom of the people around me and actually listen to them. I want to listen to myself. I want to listen to God. I want to look at my life in the light of "in ten years, what am I going to want to tell myself now?" and I want to listen to those things.

So I will. I'll try, at least. To listen more. To myself and to my God and to my parents and to my professors and to my friends. I'll try to make it so that ten years from now, when I look back on the best times of my life, I won't have anything to say but "good job."

Stories

Today is Wear TWLOHA day. I haven't posted about the organization TWLOHA much yet, other than to note a few quotes from the founder (and my personal hero) Jamie Tworkowski. I'm not sure why I haven't posted about it yet, other than the fact that it just hasn't really come up yet.

I love TWLOHA (To Write Love On Her Arms). For my readers that don't really know what that is, in a nut shell it is an organization that seeks to speak into the darkness of depression and to reach out to those dealing with self-mutilation and other similar addictions. It's an organization that I stand behind fully. I am passionate about their cause. If you want to know more about them, I'd encourage you to check out their website here. 

TWLOHA is encouraging their supporters to wear TWLOHA apparel today in an attempt to open doors and make opportunities to spread their message today. They are encouraging people to tell their stories. TWLOHA is all about stories. They talk a lot about the fact that you are a living story and your story is important.

All of this is not to simply state my support for an organization that I love, but to segue into what I've been wanting to post about today: the concept of story. Stories fascinate me. Perhaps it is because I am a writer and have an incredible love for words, but the fact that I am a living story is so amazing to me. Every day of my life is a new page, and I just think that's so cool. I am a living story, and that means that I have something worth telling people.

A few weeks ago, someone spoke in chapel about stories. I loved the sermon and look back at my notes often. Something that he pointed out was about who we're allowing to write our stories. Who has the pen? Who is in control? I know that often times, I try to be the writer of my own story. I try to take control, and I always fail. I always screw it up. But I've found that when I release control and allow God to write my story, He is faithful. Psalm 139:16 says "All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be." God has already written our stories. I just think that's so cool. God already has this incredible story written out for us, and we just have to walk in that story and let him take the pen.

One thing I've been praying over today as Wear TWLOHA day is Psalm 139:11-12. " If I say, 'Surely the darkness will hide me and the light become night around me,' even the darkness will not be dark to you; the night will shine like the day, for darkness is as light to you." I've been praying that stories will be told, that people would have the boldness to stand up with shaking knees and voices and tell their friends that they are currently, or have in the past, struggled with things like self-mutilation. I've been praying that through that, the hope of Christ would be revealed and darkness would be defeated. I've been praying against the strongholds of depression and addiction. I've been praying that lives would be changed and healed today.

I want to encourage you to tell your story. It is worth telling and you have been given it for a reason. No matter what mistakes you've made or things you've struggled with, God has a reason for your story. I believe that telling our stories will change others. I believe that that's why God gave us these stories. I believe that if we are not telling our stories we are not allowing God to work through the story He has given us.

I know it's hard to tell your story sometimes. It's hard to stand up and talk to someone that's struggling with something you've once struggled with and say that you've been there too. It's scary. It's not an easy thing to do, but I know we should. I know I should.

I don't freely tell my story. I don't just open up to everyone about what I've struggled with in the past. It's not something I usually share. But I've realized that I am robbing God of the ability to work through me when I refuse to tell the story He's given me. When I refuse to reach out to the girl downtown with scars up and down her arms and tell her that I know there is hope because I have personally been delivered from struggles with depression and self-mutilation, I am making my story useless. I went through those things for no reason if I don't use my story to reach others for Christ.

So today, I will tell my story. I will be vulnerable. And I will be very, very afraid. A lot of tears will be shed today, by me, and by many others in the world. But knowing that there are countless others out there wearing TWLOHA apparel and standing with me, speaking stories of hope and truth, makes it a little bit easier. Because others tell their stories, I will have the boldness to tell mine. Because Christ gave me this story, I will make Him known through it.

No Complaints

I complain a lot. I'm pretty sure that about 70% of the things that I say are complaints, if not more. I don't know why I complain so much, I just do. It fills the time. It seems like the only thing to say sometimes. It's not like I have a horrible life. I love my life. I am so blessed. But I still complain, a lot.

Yesterday, out of the blue, I decided that today I would not complain at all. I dragged two of my friends along with me on my adventure of not complaining so I had some moral support and people to keep me accountable when I started complaining.

I realized I complain a lot more than I thought. Before today, I didn't realize how much I complain. And it's about useless things, too. I say I'm tired a lot. And really, who cares? We're in college. We're all tired, and me sitting here complaining about my lack of sleep isn't helping that fact. I also complain in my mind a lot. Most of the things I have to think are complaints about something. And even though I took the time today to try hard to make sure those things didn't leave my mouth, I still thought them a lot. As I was on my way to my Global Perspectives class this morning grumbling in my mind about how cold it was outside, I asked God to help me take my complaints and turn them to praises. I began to think of how awesome God is every time I wanted to complain about something, and let me tell you, it really changed my whole day. I had a much better attitude because instead of wasting time thinking about all the little things that are wrong in my life, I took the time to thank God for all the big things that are right in my life.

As I was in the prayer room talking with God today, I looked up verses about complaining and found Phillipians 2:14 :

"Do everything without complaining or arguing."

 And I thought to myself, Do everything without complaining or arguing, Elyse. Everything. Not just today. Every day of your life. Do your homework without complaining. Write your papers without complaining. Walk in the cold without complaining. Clean your room without complaining. Serve others without complaining. Study without complaining. Pull all-nighters without complaining. Be tired without complaining. Don't just not complain when things are good, but also when things are not so good. Do every single thing without complaining.


It's not easy. Today was difficult and I did screw up, but I've read that 21 days makes a habit. So for the next 21 days, I am going to try my hardest to not complain. I am going to instead praise God for the things I have. I am going to be thankful and mindful of Him instead of wasting time complaining in my head. I'm going to do it, and I'm going to watch God change me from the inside out and it's going to be wonderful.

I encourage you guys to do the same. And hold me accountable. When I start complaining about the fact that I have to get up for my 7:45 class, remind me of my commitment to God. I'm going to need people to do that for me. I just want to encourage you guys to remember that everything you do reflects Christ, and I'm not saying this from some holy high-horse, because trust me, I screw up all the time, but I think that if we, as a body of Christ, committed ourselves more to thinking and talking about God's blessings instead of complaining about the small stuff, we could see God change a lot of lives and do a lot of really incredible things.

Missionary At Heart

I'm just having one of those weeks when America is the last place I want to be. Don't get me wrong, this is a great county. I'm so grateful to live here. I just don't want to be here anymore.

I'm called to missions. The only thing I have ever wanted to be is a missionary. I've been on lots of short-term mission trips, and on these trips, I have had so many life-changing experiences. I have fallen in love with so many different cultures and countries. Coming back from that is hard. America is not my favorite place in the world. In fact, I could name 10 places off the top of my head that I'd rather be than America.

But I have to realize that God has me here for a reason. He has me here, not just at North Central, but in Minneapolis, for a reason. He didn't just put me here to go to school and learn about Him so that I could become a missionary. Yes, that is one of the reasons I am here. But there are so many other reasons I am here and I need to remember that. God called me to be a missionary - why should I wait until I go to another country? I need to be more engaged in the culture around me here in Minneapolis. I need to love and to reach out more because these people are God's people just as much as the kids in Haiti are. They are just as desperate for Christ and if they die and go to Hell because I didn't reach them - that is on my head. I just can't keep living with that and feeling okay. I need to be more in love with the people in the place that I am now.

This is just something God has been speaking to me lately and I thought I'd share it with you, because it applies to everyone - wether you're called to be a missionary or not. You need to reach out to the people around you. Yes, Christ said to go into all the world and preach the gospel, but sometimes we just need to go next door and do the same thing.

I just want to encourage you guys to do that. Pray for the people in your community. Love them the way Christ loves them. Go out of your way to serve them. Tell them about Jesus. God put you where you are now for a reason - don't take it for granted.

So as I look up mission trips I want to go on and dream of other countries, I know that God will call me there soon enough. I know I am not meant to live in America for the rest of my life. I know God has this incredible plan for my life. I know there is a reason I have such a heart for people that are not American, why it breaks my heart to see people from other countries struggling. I know that God created me to be a missionary somewhere else, and my time will come soon enough - but for now, I just need to focus on being Christ to the people that are around me every single day.