I'm sure there will be more posts about this at some point, when I start figuring it all out and God teaches me more. But for now, it's 1:30AM and I'm up writing this blog post, because I can't sleep, and because I am a writer. Because I think God is a writer, too.
This all started yesterday. I woke up to do some devos and lately, they have been kind of dry, so I've been really desperate for something new from God. And He gave me something new. Something I'm still trying to unpack and fully understand - but something very new, and very exciting. And then I went on a run and ended up stopping at the Stone Arch Bridge because I saw flowers as a memorial for what I'm assuming is a suicide victim. And I stood on that bridge for a very long time, my heart completely broken for the broken. And I had a one-on-one earlier this week and was able to talk about my dreams and the passions God has given me for the broken, and I spent a few hours looking at plane tickets to Seattle. And I spent time with a man who I can see being in my future. And I don't know, I've just been processing a lot lately, and here I am writing all of it - because I am a writer. Because I think God is a writer, too.
If I could, I would write it in a way that makes more sense, but for now, I can't really find the right words. So instead, I'll leave you with a journal entry from the day God started showing me this:
I think you're a writer God. Because you invest so much time into me and love me in this unique way. You're quirky and you write billions of stories. You pay attention to details and paint sunsets only a writer could. You make things for your eyes only and delight in those hidden things. You show off, too. You display your characters for all to see and you take pride in those creations. Your heart breaks when theirs does, too.
You stay up all night, don't you? Tirelessly working on a story. And yet, you're so much more than a writer, as I can understand it. Because you let your stories go. You let them have the choice to take the pen. Even when it's better for them to let you write, they still take it. And yet, you're still there to take it back when they've realized they've failed. When they come to you broken, you gladly and forgivingly take that pen back. You write in things that fix them. You heal them.
You love words, don't you? God, I think you're a writer. I, too, Lord, am a writer. And, as a writer, it's hard for me to let someone else write my story. It's hard to let you have the pen because I forget. I forget that you know how the story ends. I forget that I'm only a character. I forget, and my pride gets in the way, and I try to be the writer. I think that, if I have control, I can write my story better than you ever could. How silly of me to believe that - to think that a character could take the writer's place. I'm sorry.The journal entry went on a lot more about control and how I so often feel the need to have it over God, which is just stupid of me. But I so often try to write my own story and forget that God is the most perfect writer out there.
There will be more posts about this when it makes more sense to me, but for now, this is all I have. Because I am a writer, but I am not the perfect writer - God is. And there are some words I may never know how to say.
Or perhaps God just hasn't given me them yet.